Billy Collects: Bish Gets Smashed, Mark Loses His Imaginary Walker
NutGas News · October 16, 2026 · Tourny U. Results are real; the quotations, confiscated walker and official investigations are satire.
Billy won Friday night’s tournament. Not Mark. Not the spreadsheet. Billy.
After weeks of watching the league’s senior analyst stroll off with everybody’s confidence, Billy took a more direct approach: win the game, collect two bounties, and leave the host wondering whether home-field advantage comes with a refund.
Billy Smashes Bish, Repossesses Mark’s Imaginary Walker
The scorecard gives Billy 11 tournament points plus five for Mark and five for Bish: 21 total. Two bounties. One winner. Absolutely no need to let either victim finish explaining the hand.
Bish provided the venue. Billy provided the demolition. Somewhere in the fictional fine print of hosting a poker night, there is apparently a clause allowing a guest to take your chips and charge five points for the inconvenience.
Then came Mark. In the NutGas cartoon reconstruction, Billy repossessed his imaginary walker and wheeled it straight to the bounty desk. Mark remains the season leader, but now he has to get there on foot.
“I thought we were respecting our elders,” said a completely invented spokesman for the Mark Protection Society. Billy reportedly replied by counting the extra five points again, slowly enough for the committee to follow.
Runyon Performs a Public Service
Runyon earned 10 tournament points and Marland’s five-point bounty, for 15. Taking out Marland was a poker achievement. In the newsroom’s version of events, the ventilation system also nominated Runyon for Employee of the Month.
Marland finished with one point. The Department of Atmospheric Sciences declined to estimate his other output, citing insufficient equipment and a strong desire to go home.
The league would like to emphasize that Nut Gas remains a running joke, not an approved Halloween fog machine.
The Rest of the Damage Report
Terry posted nine points, Tim eight, Mondo seven, Mark six, Chance five, Bish four, Jose three and Marcel two. Everyone received a number. Billy received the evening.
In the season standings, Mark still leads with 420, followed by Bish on 396 and Marland on 385. Billy now has 285, just one point behind Chance’s 286. Chance may wish to reconsider whether 5–3 offsuit is a complete championship strategy.
Runyon’s 345 moves him ahead of Terry’s 342. NutGas analysts describe this as “what happens when you play poker and remove an atmospheric hazard in the same shift.”
October 30: Come Dressed Up, or Bring a Food Bank Donation
The next tournament is Friday, October 30, 2026. Come in a costume OR bring a donation for the food bank and receive an extra 500 in chips.
Finally, an opportunity to improve your starting stack without explaining that you were “priced in.” A costume or a food bank donation earns the bonus; the generosity is real, even if your poker costume is “person who knows when to fold.”
Bish can dress as a host with chips. Mark can come as a man whose equipment has not been repossessed. Marland is kindly requested not to arrive as a self-powered smoke machine.
As for Billy, he already has a costume: the winner. Apparently it fits.
View current standings · See the tournament schedule
Results checked against the official 2026 worksheet’s U and Points columns and the October 16 handwritten scorecard. Bounty bonuses are already included in the listed tournament totals.
