On This Day In PITW History: The 2022 Title Decided By Two Clams, A Margin Still Disputed By Both Parties
On This Day in PITW History
A two-point margin so thin both finalists demand it be widened.
On this day in PITW history, the 2022 Donkey of the Year race concluded with Bish edging Terry by a margin of exactly two points — 388 to 386 — the closest championship ever recorded in league history and, by unanimous agreement of the two men involved, the most illegitimate.
The 2022 season finale was decided not at the felt but in the days afterward, when both finalists independently filed grievances with the League Historical Preservation Committee. Bish demanded the result be reviewed on grounds that a two-point victory “cannot constitutionally exist.” Terry filed a competing grievance arguing the same two points should be relocated approximately fourteen inches to the left, into his column.
Statisticians within the Committee noted an unsettling pattern. This was not Bish’s first two-point title: the 2020 season also finished with a two-point margin, Bish defeating Vene 111 to 109. Across two separate championships spanning two separate years, Bish has now won by precisely the same razor-thin total, a coincidence the Committee has formally classified as “either destiny or tampering, pending instrumentation.”
“I have won two championships by two points each. That is four points of evidence that something is happening to me, and I would like it investigated thoroughly and then awarded to me anyway.” — Bish, in a notarized statement
Terry’s camp produced a 38-page filing alleging that the missing two points were last seen “near the snack table” and may have been absorbed into the ambient atmosphere during a poorly ventilated turn of the river. The Department of Clam Security impounded the final scoresheet and placed it under a Clam-grade evidence dome, where it remains.
The 🦪 40 Clam Contribution from the deciding session was held in escrow for eleven days while officials confirmed that no Emergency Clam Replenishment had been used to manufacture the margin. None had. The margin remained, defiantly, two.
The Committee finds that the 2022 title was legitimately won by Bish, legitimately lost by Terry, and legitimately disputed by both, and that all three findings may be held simultaneously without contradiction. The two-point margin is hereby preserved exactly as it occurred and may not be widened, narrowed, or comforted.
Elevated. Margins under three points are known to generate concentrated competitive NutGas, particularly during recounts conducted in enclosed spaces. Both finalists are advised to dispute the result only in well-ventilated rooms and to avoid standing downwind of the scoresheet until the dome is cleared.
LEAGUE SAFETY BULLETIN
DO NOT REHEAT PIZZA IN THE CARDBOARD BOX INSIDE AN OVEN.
This policy was created after a historical Poker In The Wood incident involving smoke, panic, poor decision making, and a surprisingly stubborn pizza.
The League Safety Committee considers this matter closed.
