On This Day In PITW History: Bish Wins A Third Title, NutGas Investigators Demand To Know How
On This Day in PITW History
Three titles, three margins so narrow that forensic accountants have begun weeping at their desks.
On this day in PITW history — the League Historical Preservation Committee formally acknowledged, under protest, that Bish had won his third Donkey of the Year title, a statistical event that members described as “not technically impossible” and “deeply, personally upsetting.”
The pattern is what alarms them. In 2020, Bish took the crown with 111 points, edging Vene’s 109 by exactly two. In 2022, Bish posted 388, beating Terry’s 386 by exactly two again. By 2024 the margin had ballooned to a comparatively cavernous nine points, as Bish’s 479 outlasted Nick’s 470 — a swing investigators called “almost reckless in its width.”
That a founder of the league should also dominate it has not escaped the Department of Clam Security, which opened a file the moment the third title was certified. Auditors confirmed Bish paid every 🦪 40 Clam Contribution in full and required only a routine number of Emergency Clam Replenishments, leaving the Department with no charges to file and a profound sense of dread.
“Twice he wins by two. We can chart two. We have spreadsheets for two. But you do not simply add seven to a two without an explanation, and the man will not give us one. He just smiles and reracks the chips,” said a Preservation Committee analyst who has not slept since the standings were published.
Vene and Terry, each having lost by the identical two-point sliver in separate years, were reportedly seated at the same table during the announcement and refused to make eye contact. Nick, the nine-point runner-up, was described as “the only one who saw it coming,” which investigators found more concerning than reassuring.
Repeated attempts to model the Bish dynasty have failed. One committee submitted a forecast predicting a fourth title by a margin of exactly two; it was sealed in a drawer and the drawer was sealed in another drawer.
The Committee finds that Bish’s three Donkey of the Year titles (2020, 2022, 2024) are real, legal, and indefensibly precise. No fraud was detected. This finding will be revisited every two points, indefinitely.
Elevated. Atmospheric NutGas readings spiked at all three championship tables in the final hands, and remain unexplained. Members are advised that proximity to a repeat champion may carry residual NutGas exposure. Breathe shallowly near the founder.
LEAGUE SAFETY BULLETIN
DO NOT REHEAT PIZZA IN THE CARDBOARD BOX INSIDE AN OVEN.
This policy was created after a historical Poker In The Wood incident involving smoke, panic, poor decision making, and a surprisingly stubborn pizza.
The League Safety Committee considers this matter closed.
