On This Day In PITW History: Mark C’s 598-Point 2016 Season Remains The Number Nobody Can Explain
On This Day in PITW History
The Department of Clam Security has kept the 598 file open for a decade. It has no leads.
On this day in PITW history — in the 2016 season, Mark C was crowned Donkey of the Year with 598 points, the highest single-season total ever recorded in league history, a number that the League Historical Preservation Committee now refers to in internal memos only as “the figure.”
The margin of victory was a razor-thin 18 points over runner-up Terry, who finished with 580. To this day, Terry’s 580 remains the second-highest total ever logged, a fact that has done nothing to comfort him. Both men have declined to discuss the season under advisement from counsel they do not have.
What unsettles the league is not that 598 was won. It is that nothing has come within reach of it since. In 2024, champion Bish took the title with 479 points. In 2025, Billy claimed Donkey of the Year with 472. Modern champions are now arriving at the trophy roughly 120 points short of a record set a decade ago, and no one can produce a coherent explanation for the gap.
“We have re-tallied 2016 four times. Each time the number is still 598. We have re-tallied it because we keep hoping it will stop being 598.”
The Department of Clam Security has maintained an eternal open file on the season, classified internally as “ongoing.” Investigators have interviewed every player present, audited each 🦪 40 Clam Contribution, and cross-referenced all Emergency Clam Replenishments logged that year. The file contains 311 pages. None of them explain anything.
“Either Mark C was operating at a level we have not seen before or since, or something happened in that room in 2016 that we are not equipped to measure. We have stopped ruling out the second one.”
The Preservation Committee has formally entered the 598 into the permanent record as an “unbroken and possibly unbreakable benchmark,” and has recommended that future champions be congratulated quietly so as not to draw attention to how far behind they remain.
The 598-point total recorded by Mark C in the 2016 season is hereby designated the official ceiling of human achievement in this league. All subsequent totals, including the 2024 (479) and 2025 (472) championship marks, are to be filed under “respectable but unrelated.”
Atmospheric NutGas readings from the 2016 venue were never properly archived and cannot be retroactively cleared. Until the source of the 598 is identified, the Department of Clam Security advises that elevated, championship-grade NutGas concentrations may still be present at the table and should be considered an active hazard.
LEAGUE SAFETY BULLETIN
DO NOT REHEAT PIZZA IN THE CARDBOARD BOX INSIDE AN OVEN.
This policy was created after a historical Poker In The Wood incident involving smoke, panic, poor decision making, and a surprisingly stubborn pizza.
The League Safety Committee considers this matter closed.
