The 2023 Season Report: Terry Named Donkey Of The Year, Insists The Honor Is Both Real And An Insult
Lore · The 2023 Season
Champion accepts trophy, files grievance against trophy in same breath.
WOODLAND COMPLEX — In a development the League Historical Preservation Committee has classified as “narratively unavoidable,” Terry was formally named Donkey of the Year for the 2023 season, concluding a campaign of 465 points and a public-relations dispute that remains, as of this filing, unresolved with himself.
The honor — the highest and most coveted distinction the Flock of Donkeys can bestow — was certified after the official standings sheet was reviewed, ratified, and found to contain the legally binding phrase “CONGRATS TO TERRY FOR DONKEY OF YEAR!!!!!” The Committee notes that the four exclamation points represent a quorum and that the omission of the word “the” has been entered into the record as intentional.
Terry, reached for comment beside the snack table, expressed a position best described as dual.
“It’s the biggest thing you can win in this league and it is also clearly a thing you call somebody when you’re mad at them. Both. I checked. I am being honored and I am being called a donkey and the league refuses to tell me which one is the real one. I think it’s both. I think that’s the point. I hate that that’s the point.”
The 65-Clam Cushion
Statistically, the season was not close, a fact the Department of Clam Security has urged be communicated “gently.” Terry finished 65 points clear of runner-up Billy, who concluded the year at 400 points and what witnesses described as “a face.” Marland secured third with 363, completing a podium that three separate attendees insisted on calling “the boys” until asked to stop.
Across a field of 30 ratified players, each making the standard Clam Contribution of 🦪 40 Clams — with Emergency Clam Replenishment available to the desperate, the optimistic, and the recently divorced — the margin held week over week. Investigators found no evidence of cheating, only of Terry being annoyingly consistent, which the league has confirmed is, regrettably, allowed.
Billy’s 400-point season would have won Donkey of the Year in three prior seasons, two of which did not occur. The Committee finds that Billy “did everything right and was simply Terry’d,” and recommends this verb be added to the league dictionary, the league not having previously owned a dictionary.
The Javier Incident
No 2023 report may be filed without addressing the night of the 84. In a single tournament, Javier posted 84 points — the highest single-night score recorded all season — a performance so anomalous that the Department of Clam Security briefly impounded his chair. Javier did not win Donkey of the Year, did not finish on the podium, and has reportedly framed the 84 anyway, mounting it in the spot where a marriage certificate used to be.
- Theory 1: Javier is, in fact, very good, a possibility the league finds upsetting and is choosing to ignore.
- Theory 2: The 84 was a clerical surge caused by a faulty pretzel bowl.
- Theory 3: Javier briefly became two people. Unconfirmed. Not ruled out.
The Committee was unable to reconcile the 84-point night with Javier’s broader season standing and has elected to file the discrepancy under “Sure,” the league’s largest and most active folder.
Ambient NutGas levels during the championship-clinching session reached “advisory,” attributed to the field’s consumption of the snack table at a rate exceeding replenishment. Terry’s victory speech was delayed eleven minutes while three players evacuated to the garage on a precautionary basis. No casualties. One folding chair was retired with honors.
The League Historical Preservation Committee has declared the 2023 season closed, certified, and “weirdly final.” Terry remains Donkey of the Year. Terry remains displeased. The two facts, the league confirms, are not in conflict — they are simply Donkey of the Year.
LEAGUE SAFETY BULLETIN
DO NOT REHEAT PIZZA IN THE CARDBOARD BOX INSIDE AN OVEN.
This policy was created after a historical Poker In The Wood incident involving smoke, panic, poor decision making, and a surprisingly stubborn pizza.
The League Safety Committee considers this matter closed.
