The 2022 Season Report: Bish Edges Terry By Two Points In A Finish So Close Both Men Filed Complaints
Lore · The 2022 Season
Two-point margin triggers dual grievance filings, one disputed ottoman, and the longest recount in League history.
The League Historical Preservation Committee has formally certified the 2022 season after a 71-day review, an unscheduled forensic audit of one folding card table, and the recovery of a points ledger from inside a chip case where it had been “resting.” The Committee’s conclusion, reached by a 4-to-3 vote with one member abstaining on grounds of “general unease,” is that the 2022 Donkey of the Year is Bish, with 388 points.
The runner-up is Terry, with 386 points. The margin between them — two points — is the smallest in recorded League history and, per the Committee, “narrow enough to be classified as a rounding error if either man had been willing to round.”
The Two Points In Question
Both finalists filed complaints. Bish, despite winning, filed a complaint preemptively, citing “the possibility that Terry might complain.” Terry then filed a complaint in response to Bish’s complaint, creating what the Department of Clam Security has designated a “self-sustaining grievance loop.” A third complaint was filed by an unaffiliated attendee named Donald Lobeck, who was not in the standings and has never been a member of the League, but who “wanted to be heard.”
“I won by two points. I am the champion. I am also extremely concerned about the two points and would like them reviewed, recounted, and possibly returned to me a second time for safekeeping.” —Bish, in a statement notarized by his own brother
The field comprised 29 players across the season, each contributing the standard 🦪 40 Clam Contribution, with several requiring Emergency Clam Replenishment after early eliminations the Committee describes only as “avoidable and, frankly, embarrassing.”
The Chasm Beneath The Throne
Below the two-point duel lies what the Committee terms “the 73-point chasm.” Third place went to Marland with 313 points — a full 73 points adrift of the leaders, a gap so vast that the League Historical Preservation Committee briefly considered whether Bish, Terry, and Marland had been playing in the same season at all. Marland, reached for comment, said he “didn’t want to talk about the chasm” and requested that the chasm “not be named after him.”
Separately, the season’s highest single-tournament score belongs to Barney, who posted a clean 100 points in one night. Investigators found the figure “suspiciously round” and opened a file, then closed the file, then reopened it when Barney was observed smiling.
- Total certified champions: one (Bish), pending
- Total complaints filed regarding said championship: three
- Complaints filed by non-members: one
- Ottomans entered into evidence: one
The Committee finds that the two-point margin separating Bish (388) from Terry (386) is real, valid, and legally binding, and further finds that both men’s simultaneous complaints “cancel each other out under the principle of mutual annoyance.” Barney’s 100-point night is certified as authentic but “watched.” The 73-point chasm to Marland (313) is acknowledged, regretted, and entered into the permanent record.
The Committee notes that the disputed ottoman, upon which Terry allegedly rested his feet during the deciding hand, has been removed to a secure facility “for its own protection.”
Elevated. Sustained proximity of two grievance-filing finalists within a single enclosed garage, combined with one (1) smiling Barney and one (1) impounded ottoman, produced atmospheric readings the Department of Clam Security classifies as “Code Amber: Volatile.” Players are advised to ventilate the premises and avoid mentioning the two points.
The 2022 season is hereby closed. The complaints remain open. They always do.
LEAGUE SAFETY BULLETIN
DO NOT REHEAT PIZZA IN THE CARDBOARD BOX INSIDE AN OVEN.
This policy was created after a historical Poker In The Wood incident involving smoke, panic, poor decision making, and a surprisingly stubborn pizza.
The League Safety Committee considers this matter closed.
