The 2024 Season Report: Bish Reclaims The Throne As Former Champion Jim D Finishes With One (1) Lonely Point
Lore · The 2024 Season
Bish hoards a second Donkey while a former king is recovered, statistically speaking, from beneath the table.
The League Historical Preservation Committee has completed its mandatory year-end audit of the 2024 campaign, a season the Committee describes in its filing as “structurally sound, emotionally devastating.” Across a verified field of 25 players, the math was clean, the Clams were counted, and one man was found at the bottom of the standings holding a single, solitary point like a wet receipt.
At the top, there was a dynasty. Bish has been named the 2024 Donkey of the Year — the League’s highest honor — with 479 points, narrowly outpacing Nick’s 470 in a nine-point finish that two separate notaries have called “uncomfortably close.” Terry secured third with 379 points and a facial expression the Committee has classified as “content but watchful.”
The Bish Question
Bish’s repeat status has triggered the now-standard dynasty review, in which the Department of Clam Security confirms that no laws were broken and that everyone is, frankly, a little tired of being right about Bish. The nine-point margin over Nick was litigated at the table for several hours.
“Nine points. Do you understand what nine points is? It’s a Tuesday. It’s a sandwich. It’s the difference between a legacy and a man driving home at 1 a.m. asking the steering wheel what he did wrong.” — Nick, runner-up, declining a recount he had personally requested.
The Committee notes for the record that Nick’s 470 points represent the single greatest non-winning total in recent memory, and that this fact has provided him no comfort whatsoever.
The Fall of Jim D
But the season’s true investigation concerns Jim D. In 2017, Jim D was crowned Donkey of the Year with a commanding 546 points — a champion, a king, a name spoken with reverence in the parking lot. In 2024, Jim D finished dead last. He scored one (1) point. The Committee has confirmed and reconfirmed this figure on three separate adding machines.
This represents a 545-point collapse over seven years, the steepest decline ever entered into the permanent record. A dedicated subcommittee was convened to determine where the other 545 points went. They have not been located. The investigation explored, and could not rule out, the following:
- Gradual point evaporation due to unmonitored ambient NutGas in the rec room.
- A “soul-debt” incurred at the moment of his 2017 victory, now coming due.
- Sabotage by a rival the subcommittee refers to only as “the obvious one.”
- The possibility that the 2017 Jim D and the 2024 Jim D are not, biochemically, the same man.
The Committee finds that the descent from 546 points (2017) to 1 point (2024) constitutes the most spectacular collapse in League history. The Committee further finds that the single point Jim D did earn in 2024 was, in its view, “an act of mercy,” and recommends it be preserved under glass.
Witnesses report that Jim D submitted his Clam Contribution faithfully all season, requested Emergency Clam Replenishment with the desperation of a man searching his own coat for a younger version of himself, and at no point conceded that anything was wrong. “He kept saying it was a rebuilding year,” one bystander testified. “Seven years is not a rebuilding year. Seven years is an archaeological period.”
ELEVATED. Investigators detected a persistent NutGas signature in the immediate vicinity of Jim D’s chair, consistent with a man slowly leaking accumulated dignity. The Department of Clam Security advises that any player approaching a 545-point differential evacuate the premises and notify next of kin.
The 2024 season is hereby certified. Bish reigns. Nick aches. Jim D endures, at one point, eternal.
LEAGUE SAFETY BULLETIN
DO NOT REHEAT PIZZA IN THE CARDBOARD BOX INSIDE AN OVEN.
This policy was created after a historical Poker In The Wood incident involving smoke, panic, poor decision making, and a surprisingly stubborn pizza.
The League Safety Committee considers this matter closed.
