Authorities Confirm Mark Won; Gary Technically Also Participated
THE WOOD — August 21, 2026
Another peaceful evening in the Wood ended exactly as expected: cards everywhere, people yelling about hands they absolutely played correctly, three bounties changing hands, and Gary somehow leaving the building with one point.
Mark owned the night.
He started with 14 points, collected Jose’s five-point bounty, and walked away with 19 points and first place. Witnesses say Mark remained remarkably calm throughout the incident, which only made everyone else more suspicious.
Marcel finished right behind him with 16, courtesy of taking Bish’s bounty. Jose put up 13, apparently unaware that Mark was eventually going to turn him into five bonus points.
Then there was Jordan.
Jordan finished with 12 points, but seven of those were earned the traditional way and another five arrived courtesy of eliminating Tim, the season leader. Tim’s bounty therefore left the building with Jordan while Tim left the tournament with two points and some things to think about.
The Official Bounty Casualty Report
Jose → Mark: +5
Bish → Marcel: +5
Tim → Jordan: +5
Three wanted men entered the Wood.
None escaped.
Meanwhile, Bish managed 9, Mondo 8, Terry 6, Vene 5, Chance 4 and Billy 3.
And then…
Gary: 1.
There isn’t really anywhere to go after that sentence.
Gary earned one point. Not one bonus point. Not one point plus something we forgot to write down.
One.
Management has reviewed the scoring sheet several times and unfortunately must report that the number remains 1.
NutGas Environmental Report
There was also one minor environmental incident.
At approximately some point during the evening, a small NutGas odor was detected in the immediate vicinity of Marland.
Investigators stress that concentrations remained well below evacuation levels.
Nobody was injured.
Nobody admitted responsibility.
Marland continued playing.
The matter is considered closed unless atmospheric conditions worsen.
And Now… September 4
The next tournament is Friday, September 4, and it’s another Single Elimination.
It also happens to be Jim’s 60th birthday.
No gifts are required.
Seriously.
However, anyone who feels emotionally compelled to recognize six decades of survival should understand that cash remains lightweight, universally accepted, and requires no wrapping paper.
Game night begins at the usual time.
Come celebrate Jim turning 60 by attempting to take money away from his friends.
And keep watching the tree line.
Because September 18 is coming.
Two guests are coming with it.
