NutGas Scientists Confirm Double Points Night Causes Emotional Leakage in 93% of Players

NUTGAS CITY — Researchers at the Institute for Poker Behavioral Sciences (a shed off Highway 108 in Sonora) released findings Thursday confirming what observers have suspected since at least 2018: Double Points Nights create exactly double the suffering for 93% of participants, with the remaining 7% being Tim, who appears unaffected by suffering in general.

“We modeled it,” said the lead researcher from a lawn chair. “If you finish 14th in a normal tournament, you go home with 4 points and some dignity. In Double Points, you go home with 8 points. The dignity is still gone, but now the math knows it.”

Field Reports

• Tim (70 pts, 1st): “Tonight went well.” Could not locate the leakage. Was whistling when he left.
• Gary (4 pts, 15th): Window went up before our reporter finished the question. The institute classifies this as a positive avoidance response. Gary has been through enough.
• Billy (8 pts, 14th): Spoke for eleven minutes. Fourteen external variables mentioned. The shuffle: five times. The moon: once. Investigating.
• Mondo (12 pts, 13th): Also the target of a bounty. The institute is offering a grant to study what that is like. Nobody has claimed it. Too sad.
• Marcel (16 pts + 20 bounty): Reported feeling “net positive.” The institute considers this a statistical anomaly.

Conclusion

The institute recommends future Double Points Nights include a mandatory debrief and one responsible adult near the parking lot. Funding: none. We are a shed. We had the time.