The 2015 Season Report: League Historians Confirm Exactly One (1) Night Of Poker Ever Happened
Lore · The 2015 Season
After eighteen months of forensic spreadsheet recovery, the League Historical Preservation Committee can verify that poker was, at minimum, attempted once.
The League Historical Preservation Committee has formally closed its investigation into the 2015 season of Poker In The Wood, releasing a 4-page report whose central conclusion is that exactly one (1) night of poker provably occurred. All other evidence of the calendar year has been classified as “atmospheric, hearsay, or eaten.”
The Committee’s alarm was triggered by the surviving point totals, which are catastrophically small. Donkey of the Year and reigning champion Brett S finished the season with 23 points. Runner-up Chance M trailed at 22. Joe M secured third with 21. These are not the numbers of a full campaign; these are the numbers of a single Tuesday that someone wrote down before being interrupted.
The Vanishing
According to the recovered file, roughly 23 players made a Clam Contribution at some point during 2015. Beyond that, the archive collapses. Whole months are represented by nothing but a blank cell and a faint smell. Last-place finisher Mike C is recorded as having earned a single point — a result historians describe as “either a profound personal tragedy or the only honest number in the entire document.”
“We have one night. We can prove one night. Everything before and after that night is, legally speaking, a rumor,” said a Preservation Committee archivist who requested anonymity and a glass of water.
The Department of Clam Security has declined to confirm whether additional 2015 tournaments were held, citing an ongoing internal matter and “the events of the second Thursday.” Sources within the Department suggest the missing data was last seen being carried toward a parking lot.
The 2015 season consisted of between one (1) and forty (40) tournaments. The League is able to confirm only the lower bound. The remaining thirty-nine tournaments, if they existed, did so without leaving fingerprints.
Theories Under Active Review
The Committee has narrowed the cause of the data loss to a small number of competing explanations, each filed in triplicate:
- A corrupted spreadsheet that “saved over itself out of shame.”
- An unsanctioned Emergency Clam Replenishment so large it overwhelmed the ledger’s column width.
- A deliberate cover-up by a faction that did not wish its 2015 finishes remembered.
- NutGas.
The final theory has gained the most institutional traction. Committee members note that the surviving night’s records grow progressively less legible toward the bottom of the page, “as if the air in the room had become editorial.” Brett S, when reached for comment regarding his championship, allegedly nodded slowly and said only, “It happened. I think it happened.”
ELEVATED. The total absence of documentation across an entire poker season is consistent with a sustained, undetected NutGas event capable of erasing both memory and storage media. Players are advised that any 2015 finish they personally recall may be a NutGas-induced fabrication. Ventilate the archive before reading.
The Committee has recommended that the 2015 standings be ratified as written, on the grounds that no surviving human is in a position to dispute them. Brett S remains Donkey of the Year. The other 364 days remain missing, and the League has agreed, by unanimous and slightly nauseous vote, never to speak of them again.
LEAGUE SAFETY BULLETIN
DO NOT REHEAT PIZZA IN THE CARDBOARD BOX INSIDE AN OVEN.
This policy was created after a historical Poker In The Wood incident involving smoke, panic, poor decision making, and a surprisingly stubborn pizza.
The League Safety Committee considers this matter closed.
