The 2016 Season Report: Mark C Posts Record 598, Immediately Investigated By Department Of Clam Security
Lore · The 2016 Season
The Flock of Donkeys posted its highest total ever, and naturally that was the first sign something was deeply wrong.
The 2016 season of Poker In The Wood concluded as it began: with 44 grown adults voluntarily surrendering 🦪 40 Clams to sit in a basement and accuse one another of cheating. By the final tally, Mark C had been named Donkey of the Year with 598 points, the single highest season total ever recorded in the league’s archives. The achievement was greeted with the warmth and trust that PITW reserves for all of its champions, which is to say it was immediately referred for criminal review.
Within 48 hours of the standings being chalked onto the official Board, the Department of Clam Security opened a formal inquiry into the 598. Agents cited “anomalously competent play” and “a refusal to bust out at the times we had grown emotionally accustomed to” as probable cause. Mark C’s garage, vehicle, and snack selection were all entered into evidence.
The Eighteen-Point War
Lost in the fraud proceedings was the genuinely brutal race that produced the record. Terry finished with 580 points, a margin of exactly 18 points across an entire season — roughly the difference between one decent night and one catastrophic Emergency Clam Replenishment. Eyewitnesses describe a campaign of psychological attrition spanning months, conducted almost entirely through aggressive sighing.
“Eighteen points. Do you understand what eighteen points is over a full season? That’s nothing. That’s a rounding error wearing a man’s face. I was robbed by physics,” said Terry, who has requested the season be replayed and also that nobody bring it up again.
Joe A took third with 520 points, a total described by the League Historical Preservation Committee as “respectable, suspicious in its respectability, and therefore filed for monitoring.” Joe A has not been charged with anything, a fact he reportedly finds insulting.
After exhaustive review, the Department of Clam Security determined that Mark C’s 598 points were, troublingly, legitimate. No fraud was located. Investigators noted this is “by far the most alarming possible outcome,” and the case file was reclassified from CRIMINAL to UNSETTLING and sealed for 75 years.
The Beaver Incident
The season’s most violent statistical event belonged to Beaver, who detonated a single-night score of 120 points — the highest one-evening haul on record. Witnesses report that Beaver said nothing for the entire session, simply stacking Clams in escalating towers until other players began to weep. The Preservation Committee has preserved the table cloth.
Committee analysts attribute the 120-point night to one of the following:
- An unprecedented run of cards
- A localized collapse of probability in the immediate vicinity of Beaver
- The other 43 players being, in the technical language of the league, “donkeys”
Atmospheric NutGas levels during the championship sessions registered as ELEVATED, with a sustained spike during Beaver’s 120-point night that briefly fogged two folding chairs. The Department of Clam Security cannot rule out that Mark C’s record total and the ambient NutGas saturation are connected. Members are advised to play upwind of the snack table and to interpret any sudden silence as a warning.
The 2016 season thus enters the permanent record as the year the Flock of Donkeys produced its finest champion and trusted him least. Mark C’s 598 remains the number to beat — assuming, the Committee notes, that it was ever real at all.
LEAGUE SAFETY BULLETIN
DO NOT REHEAT PIZZA IN THE CARDBOARD BOX INSIDE AN OVEN.
This policy was created after a historical Poker In The Wood incident involving smoke, panic, poor decision making, and a surprisingly stubborn pizza.
The League Safety Committee considers this matter closed.
