The 2025 Season Report: Billy Finally Wins It All As Tim’s 116-Point Eruption Is Logged As A Geological Event
Lore · The 2025 Season
After a founder’s decade in the wilderness, the dynasty falls — and a man named Tim registers on the Richter scale.
The League Historical Preservation Committee has formally certified the 2025 season as “concluded, mostly accurate, and partially explosive,” entering Billy into the permanent record as Donkey of the Year with 472 points. The honor — the league’s highest, the very apex of the Flock of Donkeys — had eluded Billy for the entirety of his tenure as a founding member, a fact the Committee describes in its filings as “statistically embarrassing for someone who helped invent the table.”
Sources close to the felt confirm that Billy, who co-established the league alongside JD and Bish, had logged more Clam Contributions over the years than any player without a championship, a distinction previously catalogued under the heading “Tragic.” That heading has now been amended, by hand, to read “Resolved.”
The Dynasty Concedes 17 Points
Standing between Billy and history, as he has for years, was Bish — the reigning dynasty, the perennial champion, and per league documentation, “the reason we keep the standings sheet password-protected.” Bish finished 2025 with 455 points, a margin of just 17 behind Billy. Third place, Terry, trailed at 440, completing a top three so tightly clustered that the Department of Clam Security briefly opened an inquiry into “abnormal point density.”
“I have beaten this man at his own invention. I would like the record to show that I remained seated and calm. Internally, I have not been seated or calm since approximately 2019.” — Billy, Donkey of the Year, in his certified statement to the Committee
The inquiry was closed after auditors confirmed the cluster was the result of 27 players competing across a full season and not, as one anonymous tipster alleged, “Clam-based interference from a rival jurisdiction.” The field of 27 remains the largest verified herd on record.
A Geological Event Named Tim
The season’s most significant disturbance was not the championship but a single night, when player Tim produced 116 points in one tournament — a league-record single-night total now logged by the Committee not as a poker result but as a seismic event. Tim, long famous for explosive single-night “outbursts,” is described in filings as “a pressure system, not a person.”
- Magnitude: 116 points, the largest eruption ever measured at the table
- Surrounding players advised, retroactively, to have filed evacuation paperwork
- Two Emergency Clam Replenishments triggered in the immediate blast radius
- The chair Tim occupied has been quietly retired and is “under observation”
The Committee finds that Billy’s 2025 championship is legitimate, overdue, and “morally inevitable,” and that the 17-point gap over Bish constitutes the official end of the Bish Dynasty Era for record-keeping purposes. Tim’s 116-point night is reclassified as a geological occurrence and will be referenced in all future hazard maps.
Bish, for his part, declined the Committee’s offer of a commemorative consolation Clam, stating only that “dynasties do not accept party favors.” Terry, reached for comment regarding his third-place finish, asked whether 440 points could be exchanged for anything tangible. It cannot.
NutGas levels during Tim’s 116-point eruption were recorded as “elevated to catastrophic,” with the Department of Clam Security noting that explosive single-night outbursts of this magnitude are a known atmospheric trigger. Players within three seats reported symptoms consistent with proximity exposure. The Committee advises that all future tables seating Tim be equipped with a verified NutGas containment protocol and at least one functioning window.
The 2025 ledger now closes: one founder vindicated, one dynasty toppled by 17 points, and one man permanently entered into the geological record. The Flock of Donkeys will reconvene, as ever, at the standard clam Contribution of 🦪 40 Clams.
LEAGUE SAFETY BULLETIN
DO NOT REHEAT PIZZA IN THE CARDBOARD BOX INSIDE AN OVEN.
This policy was created after a historical Poker In The Wood incident involving smoke, panic, poor decision making, and a surprisingly stubborn pizza.
The League Safety Committee considers this matter closed.
