Welcome to the only column with a strict zero-fact-checking policy. Here’s what the felt is whispering this week:

The whispers

• Jose, the league’s beloved friendly giant, is reportedly so relaxed at the table that opponents have started checking his pulse. Sources say he’s ‘just vibing.’ Sources are jealous.
• Barney is said to be entering peak form, which historically correlates with beverage number three. The league neither confirms nor denies the Barney Curve.
• Nick has allegedly been spotted doing curls between hands. Witnesses report the table ‘felt smaller.’
• Jordan is rumored to have built a model that predicts the rumor mill. The rumor mill predicts he will deny this.
• Next-generation watch: Allison and Steven — Billy’s kids, raised on this very felt — are reportedly more dangerous than their dad would like to admit.

You didn’t hear it here. You didn’t hear it anywhere. There is no insider.

More nonsense, freshly unverified, in the Rumor Mill.